Most days are filled with positivity, determination and a fierce ‘I’ve got this’ attitude.
These days are great! But as the saying goes – what comes up, must come down.
I spent so long trying my best to not have these ‘down’ days, because I felt that being a hugely positive person meant that I shouldn’t have these days…That I could somehow rise above the despair and the sadness. Then I realised that this was in fact bullshit! And from that space, I felt like a I could authentically honour my feelings as they appeared.
It was okay to go from positive and happy, to being engulfed by sadness and frustration. I didn’t have to tell people that I was great, when in reality, I felt like shit and I just want to put on some sad music and cry my eyes out for a day (or two).
My third brain haemorrhage has definitely been the easiest. It’s kinda funny saying that, only because going through any major brain injury isn’t at all easy. But there is so much to be thankful for this time around – I wasn’t paralysed. I didn’t miss many crucial years of my childhood. I didn’t have a full-time job of intense therapy just to regain basic speech, motor skills and movement for years on end. And I do remember my life between age 9 and to age 30….winning!!! I still remember the awesome and adventure filled life I have led thus far.
In saying that, I still grieve.
I grieve for the days that I spent rock climbing, hiking, diving, mountain biking, snowboarding or any other physical pursuit I could get my hands on!
I grieve the conversations that I was able to have, that didn’t require a ridiculous amount of concentration just to grasp what was being said.
I grieve the days of being able to go to work and make a difference to the lives of others.
I grieve being able to turn up the volume and listen to my favourite music, without it giving me a headache.
I grieve for the worry and concern that my loved ones have and continue to have.
I grieve for the days where confusion wasn’t an everyday occurrence.
I grieve being able to read books and follow the story, remembering what I have read.
I grieve my independence.
I grieve the simple pleasure of going for a walk without pain.
I grieve for a life that once was.
I realise that it’s perfectly okay to grieve, as a matter of fact, it is necessary. With any major loss, whether it be the death of a loved one or a sudden life change that has stripped you bare – grieving is a very important part of ones healing journey
Allowing yourself to grieve (however that may look like to you), creates a space to honour and acknowledge the struggles you are enduring. From this place, it becomes possible to start putting the pieces of yourself back together, to create your new reality.
Though this process, I have learnt that you can’t rush your healing… It comes with time and being truly authentic and honouring where you are at, in each moment.
With peace and gratitude,